that's the scary part

i'm doing this at work.

so today i had a frustrating experience, in the morning, involving my feeling idiotic, ridiculous, righteously angry, betrayed, and forced to confront the absolute swell of my own pointless sense of pride. i suppose it's inevitable to have these kinds of experiences when you work in an environment like mine, but i still never get used to it and it doesn't ever lose the sharp teeth it has either.

whatever. isn't it dirty to talk like that on your blog? sure it is.

i think i'm going to move soon. i don't see myself finding self-worth and satisfaction in this position for very long. there are a lot of things i really love about my job, and a lot of things i love about my work and daily life here, and i love the boss (big and little) i have, but it's tiring and draining and ugly for the most part. who wants to live like that forever? bad for the chest and its contents.

remember the bible?

maybe this is just supposed to be for journaling, like live real-time journaling? but nobody wants to read that blog, right? that's the blog i roll my eyes at and skim over if i even visit. so then maybe i shouldn't make it public, right? no clicky, not tricky. i don't know.

i have another hearing at 1 o'clock today, in five minutes, but i'm sure the judge isn't going to be back from lunch, so what do i care? am i better than that? i don't know. i used to think so, but now i.......well, maybe i'm just avoiding taking responsibility for all the things that i do, no matter what they are. maybe i'm just blaming work and stress for my own failings as a person, as a Christian, as a friend, instead of any introspection or intraspection or whatever the fuck whole people are supposed to do, and getting off easy because it's a hard-to-confront issue. maybe i'm just avoiding any real, meaningful interaction with any real, meaningful people because it's much easier to feel self-important, prideful, and martyrish than it is to deal with concrete, difficult problems with concrete relationships that i have that might possibly be here after i decide to stop working here. or maybe i'll just keep working here forever, and do this job and become a raging alcoholic, bitter and angry at the world and its idiots, fool myself into thinking i've made a difference thirty seconds at a time, five days a week, with holiday and sick pay.

it'd be easy to do.